[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me