What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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12653.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Yes
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]