OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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I’d hang this in my house.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.