Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
You Might Also Like
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
God has left this place
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?