The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Cndnsd Mlk
Happy Friday
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”