I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Twitter remains undefeated
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys