if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please