“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
You know…for fall…
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?