keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS