Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..