I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
You Might Also Like
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I have a black belt in leather
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!