A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.