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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I missed you with all my darts
Smooooooth
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button