[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly