The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.