My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.