“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.