This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.