Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.