“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.