Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
You Might Also Like
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My dating profile:
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
@ candidates for local office
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!