Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
also my go-to takeaway order
This January has 47 Mondays
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life