The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low