.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Said the murderer.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord