Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh