Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.