[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
You Might Also Like
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
As the Lord intended
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.