using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.