I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
they should invent a hydrating liquor
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!