Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.