Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”