Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday