I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself