the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.