When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Fights fire with marshmallows
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
fair
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.