This made me smile…
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.