if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?