Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.