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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up