Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?