If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar