Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
reminder
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!