My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.