I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Oops
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back