if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.