Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.