Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase