Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
just having fun
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.