this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
wow he looks just like him
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?