grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.